The Making of Father in My Name (Novel): A Q&A with Bremer Acosta

Kindle: Available Now

Paperback: Available on January 18, 2025

How long did it take for you to write Father in My Name?

It took me eight years. I wrote for at least an hour a day. Most of that was revision.

I didn’t tell anyone what I was writing. There was a universe in my head that only I knew about. If I had died before the publication, all those words would have been lost forever. Now, I can die.

Why did you write it?

Why did I write this book? Part I:

All the characters in this story are made up. They are not anyone I know. But my unconscious mind helped to form them. In fiction, even the characters who are nothing like me are representations of me. They may be aspects of myself that I have rejected. They may be shadows of experience, dreams, and memories. They may be apparitions from my past.

My characters are not saints. Some of them are even immoral at times. But they are human.

As George R.R. Martin, author of A Song of Ice and Fire series, wrote on his blog, NOT A BLOG:

They are real to me, as I write them, and I struggle to make them real to my readers as well. All of them are flawed, from the best to the worst. They do heroic things, they do selfish things. Some are strong and some are weak, some smart and some stupid. The smartest may do stupid things. The bravest may have moments when their courage fails. Great harms may be done from the noblest motives, great good from motives vile and venal. Life is like that, and art should reflect that, if it is to remain true. Ours is a world of contradiction and unintended consequences.

Why did I write this book? Part II:

Maybe it was a way of dealing with unresolved grief. Maybe it was a way of saying goodbye to immature phases of my development (childhood and adolescence and early adulthood). A snake has to shed its skin during its growth.

On an existential level, it comes down to this:

• How do certain conditions (genetic, environmental, psychological) come together to make us who we are?
• How do we authentically live in a society that pressures us into becoming what we are not?
• How do we find meaning in a universe where we’re subject to old age, sickness, and death?

Sartre once wrote in Being and Nothingness that “we are condemned to be free” (342).

The weight of our freedom is crushing us. While we are confronted by a world of uncertainties, we are ultimately responsible for how we will respond (Sartre 342). The choices we make in each moment determine who we will become in the future.

The stoics believed that certain things are in our control and certain things are not. It is up to us to focus on what’s in our control rather than dwelling on what is not (Epictetus 3).

As human beings, we can’t help but seek out meaning in this absurd universe (Camus 9). We long for significance, for connection, even as we are confronted with impermanence, loss, and death. Some of us fall into despair or distract ourselves from the harsh truths of existence. Others strive to find a sense of purpose in the unknown.

While I was writing this book, I kept returning to the Five Remembrances in Buddhism. They are a way of helping practitioners to be aware of the changing nature of existence:

I am subject to aging. There is no way to avoid aging.

I am subject to ill health. There is no way to avoid illness.

I am going to die. There is no way to avoid death.

Everyone and everything that I love will change, and I will be separated from them.

My only true possessions are my actions, and I cannot escape their consequences. (Nhat Hanh 67)

In this book, death is a catalyst for life. Yet it is not enough to merely live. It is not enough to conform to false paths. Everyone must find their own way. Nobody can do it for them.

Jiddu Krishnamurti said that people often seek the truth outside themselves, hoping it will solve their problems. They look for authorities to tell them what to do while neglecting their inner selves (Krishnamurti 1–6).

Rather than accepting each moment for what it is, they only reinforce their own desires and fears. But if they are endlessly chasing after what they don’t have, they will never be at peace.

Why did I write this book? Part III

I was inspired by Robert Anton Wilson’s “guerilla ontology,” a technique he used throughout his works.

In simple terms, “Ontology” is the philosophical study of being, existence, and reality. “Guerilla” refers to irregular small-scale warfare against a larger force.

Wilson wrote in The Illuminati Papers:

Ontology is the study of being; the guerrilla approach is to so mix the elements of each book that the reader must decide on each page ‘How much of this is real and how much is a put-on?’” (2)

His books challenge readers by exposing them to contradictory belief systems. Over time, this results in cognitive dissonance, causing them to question their own assumptions about reality.

Ultimately, what he is attacking is dogmatic thought. According to Wilson, people interact with the world through their neurological “reality tunnels,” which are filtered by their psychological states, social conditioning, genetics, and so on. His works are meant to disrupt their worldviews and confront them with alternative ways of perception.

In an interview (Robert Anton Wilson: Searching for Cosmic Intelligence), he said:

The Western World has been brainwashed by Aristotle for the last 2,500 years. The unconscious, not quite articulate, belief of most Occidentals [Westerners] is that there is one map which adequately represents reality. By sheer good luck, every Occidental thinks he or she has the map that fits. Guerrilla ontology, to me, involves shaking up that certainty. I use what in modern physics is called the “multi-model” approach, which is the idea that there is more than one model to cover a given set of facts… It’s important to abolish the unconscious dogmatism that makes people think their way of looking at reality is the only sane way of viewing the world. My goal is to try to get people into a state of generalised agnosticism, not agnosticism about God alone, but agnosticism about everything… That’s what guerrilla ontology is — breaking down this one-model view and giving people a multi-model perspective.

Where is this book set?

Time Period: 1982–2000 (mostly in the mid-late ‘90s)

Country: America (or a parallel universe)

Smaller Settings: abandoned parking lots, movie theaters, diners, suburban houses, apartments, pickup trucks, pool halls, condemned bridges, novelty restaurants, churches, graveyards.

What kind of book is this?

Book Blurb (no spoilers):

Clark is on the verge of dropping out. While his mother still romanticizes her hippie youth, his father has burned out as a radical. When he isn’t avoiding his parents, Clark likes to hide out with his outcast girlfriend on the outskirts of town. In a world that has rejected him, she’s the only one who cares.

It’s the ’90s and Clark still doesn’t know the meaning of his life. Maybe he never will. Instead of studying for his exams, he hangs out in an abandoned lot and listens to punk music. Rather than dressing up for prom, he climbs onto his roof and gazes at the stars. Yet at Emerson High, where only reputation matters, he just wants to make a name for himself. More than anything, he wants to be free.

Father in My Name is a dark satire about growing up in America.

It’s a coming-of-age story for the misunderstood.

More importantly, it is about love. It is about death.

What fiction is similar to this book?

1. The Stranger by Albert Camus
2. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
3. Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
4. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
5. The Death of Ivan Ilych by Leo Tolstoy
6. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
7. Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
8. The Basketball Diaries by Jim Carroll

Father in My Name Playlist:

Punk:

1. “Do They Owe Us a Living?” (Crass)
2. “Punk Is Dead” (Crass)
3. “Nervous Breakdown” (Black Flag)
4. “Rise Above” (Black Flag)
5. “Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious” (Against Me!)
6. “Baby, I’m an Anarchist” (Against Me!)
7. “Bad Reputation” (Joan Jett)

Post-Punk and New Wave:

1. “Love Will Tear Us Apart” (Joy Division)
2. “Boys Don’t Cry” (The Cure)

Ballad (with jazz/blues influences):

1. “Martha” (Tom Waits)

Indie Rock/Folk:

1. “Between the Bars” (Elliot Smith)
2. “First Day of My Life” (Bright Eyes)

Blues:

1. “Smokestack Lightnin’” (Howlin Wolf)
2. “Cross Road Blues” (Robert Johnson)
3. “Mannish Boy” (Muddy Waters)

Country:

1. “Hurt” (Johnny Cash)
2. “A Boy Named Sue” (Johnny Cash)

Jazz Hip Hop:

1. “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)” (Digable Planets)

Funk (with pop, R&B, and dance influences):

1. “Kiss” (Prince)

Instrumental:

1. “Your Hand in Mine” (Explosions in the Sky)

Sources:

Buddha. The Dhammapada. Translated by Eknath Easwaran, 2nd ed., Nilgiri Press, 2007, p. 77.

Camus, Albert. The Myth of Sisyphus. Translated by Justin O’Brien, Vintage Books, 1955.

Elliot, Jeffrey. Wilson, Robert Anton. “Robert Anton Wilson: Searching for Cosmic Intelligence.” 1980. https://rawilsonfans.org/searching-for-cosmic-intelligence-interview-1980/

Epictetus. The Handbook (Enchiridion). Translated by Robin Hard, Oxford UP, 2014.

Krishnamurti, Jiddu. Freedom from the Known. Harper & Row, 1969.

Martin, George R. “Life After Death.” Not A Blog, 26 Aug. 2020, georgerrmartin.com/notablog/2020/08/26/life-after-death/.

Nhat Hanh, Thich. The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation. Parallax Press, 1998.

Sartre, Jean-Paul. Being and Nothingness. Translated by Hazel E. Barnes, 1st ed., Philosophical Library, 1956, p. 342.

Shea, Robert, and Robert Anton Wilson. The Illuminati Papers. Revised ed., Dell Publishing, 1980.